[2003-12-22]_4:54 p.m.
empty inside
im sitting here in the dark working on this damn book listnening to some very moving music. but where is it moving me? i poured myself a mimosa. ahh how good it feels to fill all the holes in my heart with alcohol. thanx dad. foir giving me the alcoholic gene. i coulndt bere here and so moved without you. i will never meet you willfully. the cover of my book is irritating. god i wish i didnt smoke, but it it my release. it kills me. i can feel it with every drag. the life leaving, the feelings getting easier. i guess its kinda like cutting in a way. but smoking you dont see the damage. and most dont feel it until its too late. christmas is almost here, and i am ready for it to pass. im ready to do anything right now. but i feel drained. nothing to motivate me. i think joey is annoyed with me, but when is he not. and i think josh has stuff goin on and is acknowledging that things in life do hold people back. but what do i know? i am one of the sheep, right? a tiny bubble in the ocean that makes no difference at all. thats right. hans, i miss you a lot. and im sorry about last night. if you dont understand now, i dont know when you will. peace love empathy.
will i am