[2003-12-22]_5:06 a.m.
the opening of the lotus
my thought virginity is about to off itself. i have opened my mind to any that wish to see. and it feels like an ice pick under my fingernails, 7 times over. however, it also feels like a new step.
so i have become infected with this sleeplessness, this wonderment of not sleeping until absolutely necessary. it brings back old memories. ahhh. those years of pain and sadness. they made me so much of who i am today. and im glad to have survived, as i feel that many breakdown before they get close to where i am today.
its 5:10 and i feel like i should be out doing something. or smoking, but my damn door makes such a ruckus when opened, i dont want to stir the appartment. actually, a car alarm keeps going off quite loudly. its beautiful. today i have the day off and i plan to complete my poetry project for christmas.
there was a weird mood in the air today. and i felt like an outsider all day. i didnt like it and longed for anyone to call me. and at 10:30, someone did. his drunk ass in las vegas, called to say hello. hans is a great guy. i love him to death, but his indecisivness irritates me. so do people who call me and are talking to other people at the same time. a pet peeve i cannot hold back.
time for a smoke, perhaps some inspiration, and then an attempt to ease my mind of this feeling ive had all day. sleep beckons me forth, and i long to go, but things keep me awake lately. lovely things.
au revoir.