[2004-08-25]_5:26 p.m.
feelings
I got my transfer pretty much approved for work. so ill be off to sf in february or march if all goes accodingly to plan. and even though this is all I've wanted, I still don't feel it. I don't feel the rush that I imagined. I don't feel the anticipation. I don't feel anything. and I don't know why. perhaps my spirit has left because it wanst welcomed with open arms. perhaps my desire to be has reached a roadblock. perhaps not caring has made me numb to the point where even getting what I want has no impact.
I am $107 in the hole with the bank. and that makes me sad. I am on a dangerous path of leisurely spending and I don't know how to stop. I'm sick. with shop-itis. god save me
I cannot continue to stay these nights, bottle to lips, cutting out the middkeman or middle cup as it is. I can't quite reach that buzz that makes me feel free anymore
and I'm glad that alcohol is failing me. for I have been set up for it to really succeed, and I feel like I am doing great in comparision to that, and that is all that gets me up in the mornings.
I wish I could feel free
feel happy the way it used to be.
if you could go back in time, and change one mistake you made, would you do it? knowing that whatever you changed, you most likely would not know the same people you do now. I have nbeen finding myself asking this question internally over and over lately. and as much as I know I'd definatley say no, I am starting to doubt myself. and its no reason that I don't love everyone I've integrated into my life, as much as I wonder who else it could be. I wouldn't give up my friends for the world. or $7,395!
I am off
to make a buck!
and feel like I am a zombie as I do so.
cheers
will I am