[2004-08-05]_2:17 a.m.
translucent imperialism
these days are what make me most
think of what I am doing with my life
what time I am draining away
swishing down
plunging it unclogged
I cannot find that which I seek
so easily
or hardly at all
when vodka is my only escape
passing out dreamy on my couchbed
what will become of me
rotting away
each second
each inhale of this stick of cancer
at my life
and account
I do not understand how
or even care to
and so I will just close my eyes
and pretend the sky is blue and the world is red
and sit high up on clouds
that are not for me
looking down
parting the earth with my gazeless stare
is this my story
what will be said behing my face
to uneasy ears
that do not know
is this my final obituary
to an empty world full of eyes that don't see as I
could you stick me so harder
next time
the black leaks out
wishing for some drug
some excuse
that will make it seem swell
when all is daft
and hats are tipped
eyes aside
swallowing my laughs
clapping inside
no one will know
but think they know
only what I can never describe
in dreary words
I feel alone
for so long now
hit and run and left to live
this is not about you
or you either
if it was, you'd read about it in my skin
for it crawls
at night so quietly
not speaking makes it not exist
how beautiful it can seem
that outer shell
tricked and trained
to jump and skip
and do mundane tasks
how fucking beautiful
I'm too selfish to take my own life
were not talking about that now are we
its already seeping out of me
out of us
slowly and quietly
sneaking out at night
with each dream
so real in the moment
too real
for this place
I am stuck
like I will always be
and always have been
for my wishes are not for good or bad
but the act itself
and how quiet it can really get at 2:29 am
is amazing really
I wish it was so always
and that maybe
someday
hopefully sooner than later
I will just wake up
and find
what I forever lost
what I never got to see
or hear
or taste
absolute nothing
not a perfect circle
but a perfect something
chocolate chip cookies with nutmeg
she made them once
and now I know why
or why not
I remember them tasting awfully bad
and I now know why
silly woman
cursing italian beauty into the earfull air
she made a part of me
so strong
and the rest
I guess the rest
will settle for anything.