[2004-04-19]_5:26 p.m.
lollytolly
this past week
is one to soak up
so much has changed
and i dont feel alright with
any of it
for it feels like
someone broke me open with a hammer
and pulled my insides out
in time i will look back and be glad
but today is always the hardest
cause it never quite goes away
like you think
or i hope
and i cant stand him for who he is
and what crazy logic he survives on
too ashamed to play a game
yet click away at his hindsight photos
sent over a fake safety blanket
i wonder if it does make him feel more secure about himself
that some random person
who does not really know you
telling you how beautiful you are
from a photo shopped picture
in a million colours
or shall i pose to look like im 15, and chop off my head
and only expose the underwear.
i try to understand
what that feeling is
or even define it
but in the end,
i know that i never got that feeling
i could never be what he expected
nor him for me.
does he dream of having his web cam again
was that too high a demand i had for him to dispose of
so many concerns
and yet i really dont care anymore
i just hope i can still respect him
after all this.